We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..