Apparently you make a good broom.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
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Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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