My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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