True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
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I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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