I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
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