I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Found your dick twin last night
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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