every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
