the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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