just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
