Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Im part way to drunk.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
