Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
