Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
