I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
