I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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