mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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