Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
