so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
