This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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