this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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