apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
