I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
