My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
