ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
