someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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