not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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