I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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