All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
