pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
