Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
