I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
