no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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