at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
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I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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