it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
