dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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