I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
