Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
