Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
