if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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