I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
