rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
