Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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