he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So many bounce houses so little time
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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