she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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