So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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