Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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