just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
