very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Please don't give away my fajitas
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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