There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Randomize
