I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
