I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
