shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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