Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
