did you get engaged???
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
