I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
well most of my day revolves around power hour
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
