Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
