We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
