we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
