I've blown a few things in my day
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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